


Seven Deep Dark Secrets That House Could Have Had

by Roga



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Crack, Episode Related, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-21
Updated: 2007-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-13 00:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven Deep Dark Secrets that might be revealed next episode. Written just before episode 3x15, whose promo boldly stated that House had a Secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seven Deep Dark Secrets That House Could Have Had

**Author's Note:**

> Seven drabbles, each exactly 100 words, dedicated to [](http://nogah.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://nogah.livejournal.com/)**nogah** , with many thanks for crack and inspiration and distractions by way of RSL's legs.

**1.**

She catches Wilson leaving the hospital. "What's a Muggle?"

Wilson spins. "A what?"

"A _Muggle._ "

"I've… never heard that word before," he replies neutrally.

"I just saw House's cane emitting _sparks!_ "

He advances toward her, swiftly. "You can't tell _anybody_."

"Of course not," she swears breathlessly.

"House—" Wilson hesitates. "House is… a wizard."

Cameron starts. "A what?"

"A wizard," Wilson sighs.

"He can’t be!"

Wilson blinks. "Um, well, he is."

"No, he's not."

"Yes. He really is."

"No way!"

"Yes! Way!"

"No!"

Wilson rolls his eyes. "Fine. He's not. He's a Fairy Princess."

Cameron's eyes widen. "I _knew_ it."

**2.**

"Cameron, I can't," House says gently.

"Why _not?_ "

"Because I'm not heterosexual, per se," he sighs.

"I—you— _what?_ "

But she's out of the room before he can reply, because obviously she won't get an answer out of him. "Wilson!" she yells, spotting him in the parking lot. "Is House gay?"

Wilson's mouth gapes. "Um, yes."

"But it's impossible!" she exclaims. "What about Stacy?"

"When they met…" Wilson lowers his voice. "…Stacy was a man. Cameron, you can't tell _anybody._ "

Meanwhile, though, one eavesdropping passer-by has already heard.

"Chase," House says, surprised. "The fuck are you—? Oh. _Oh._ Ahhh…"

**3.**

"You can't. Tell. _Anybody_ ," Wilson stresses. "He'll be _lynched._ "

Cameron promises. "Please, tell me. What is he so ashamed of?"

Wilson takes a deep breath. "House broke up the Beatles."

She stares blankly.

"You're… fucking kidding."

"It's true." House steps out from the shadows. "The first time I lived in Japan, our neighbor, Yoko, babysat me. I played her my records, and when she wanted to send Johnny fan mail, I translated it into a _perfect_ poetic love letter which he remembered when they met, and," House chokes, "you know the story."

"Shh," Wilson murmurs comfortingly.

_Coo-coo,_ Cameron thinks, _ca-fucking-choo._

**4.**

"Come on, House," Foreman says. "Everyone knows you have a secret. Spill, before the hospital explodes from unresolved un-sexual curiosity." Chase and Cameron wait expectantly.

"It's not easy talking about it," House admits. "I haven't…" he gulps. "I haven't been a very good… father."

Chase gasps. "I _knew_ it," he manages, his arms suddenly enveloping House in a hug. "I love you, Daddy."

House's arms tighten around Chase, and in one fluid move he's got Chase trapped between floor and cane, arms twisted behind his back. "My son lives in Chile with his mom, moron," he growls. " _No touchee House_."

**5.**

"House," she whispers, her fingers lightly grazing his stubbled cheek.

"Cameron," he breathes softly. Slowly, slowly her face inches forward.

"Yes?"

"I have…" … _always loved you._ "I have infectious mononucleosis."

Cameron jumps back. "You have _mono?_ "

House has the grace to look ashamed. "Yes."

"From _who?_ "

"New Years hooker surprise. Surprise!" He flails his hand weakly.

"But… you have no symptoms!"

"The Vicodin suppresses them."

"Are you sure?" she asks uncertainly.

"Diagnosed myself. Highly contagious. Sorry."

"I guess… we weren't meant to be."

"No," he says sadly.

When she confronts Wilson about it later, for some reason, he looks surprised.

**6.**

"It's… my father," House says finally.

Wilson rolls his eyes. This will smell.

"What did he…?" she asks quietly.

"He was very… aloof, so to speak."

"Did he make you…" Cameron cringes. "…suffer?"

"You could say that." House ducks his head. "And to top it off, he forsook me."

"Oh, God…" Cameron's bursting with sympathy.

"Yes," House agrees. "Exactly."

Realization dawns. "Wait. Are you saying—?"

House nods.

"I don't believe you."

"He's not lying," Wilson verifies. "House. How-oose. Ow-zoos. Hey-sus. Jesus. This never occurred to you?"

"Prove it."

"Go outside," House orders.

Cameron exits.

Lightning strikes.

"Smelly," Wilson complains.

**7.**

"It's okay." Cameron hugs him. "Wilson told me everything. And I'm proud of you for being true to yourself. Even if it doesn't exactly turn me on."

House stares. "What?"

"Your crossdressing."

"…Ah."

Later, he pointedly asks, "Crossdressing? _Really?_ "

Wilson grins. "I think your legs are sexy. Skirts would suit you."

House considers this. "Plus, easy access to my dick. I can work with this cover."

"Thought so. She'll be off our backs, now."

"Good. Now _you,_ " House instructs, " _on_ your back. And strip."

And even later: "It's okay." Chase hugs House, whispering, "You'll look gorgeous in my Tina outfit."


End file.
